Kaidan
by the.subverter
Summary: Various vignettes set during Mass Effect (along with some flashbacks) as seen through the eyes of Kaidan Alenko.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This story meanders. It threads in and out of various points in Mass Effect. I'm setting Shepard here as the second character but there's no specific second character. Some are just made up. I'm hoping everyone will come in and out. This isn't a romantic story but I'm fairly sure you can ship Kaidan with just about anyone, if that's your inclination. Thanks to the Allusive Man for challenging me to write this/ Kaidan. I've been having fun. Currently have 26 pages written. I'll try to keep finding little things to write about whenever I update. Oh yeah, rated T but there's an M rated word or two here.

* * *

Kaidan's not used to this kind of opulence.

Sha'ira's room is nice. He heard about her years ago. One of his buddies caught him with his hand down his pants in the barracks watching an asari vid on a fetish site. It wasn't something Kaidan typically did and had he known Jones would be back from the field that week, he wouldn't have done it. He'd heard about those soldiers, stuck in the barracks with a guy who beats off all night and didn't want to be the one they made fun off at the mess hall, curled fists rising and falling in the direction of the offender when he walked in. Jones had stopped abruptly, colliding only with the uncomfortable moment. Kaidan's face turned beet red. Even now he can't think of a time when he's stammered more.

"_Alenko's human!" Jones threw his duffle bag on the bed and turned around obligingly. "Hey man, it's cool, but I don't want to see it." Kaidan removed his hand, shifting to pull (with some difficulty) the zipper of his pants up. "Was that or ?" Jones came around the computer monitor, peering at the two asari tangled in one another. "Fuck, I love this site. I'd love to have some first contact with some of these beauties," he licked his lip at the screen._

"_Thanks, Jones." He rolled the computer chair back from the desk as Jones knelt in front of it, beginning to type frantically. "I was beginning to feel like a pervert."_

"_Ever heard of the Consort?" Jones pulled away from the monitor, a picture of a strikingly beautiful asari on the screen. Kaidan rolled the chair closer to the desk again to get a better look. "I guess she's some kind of high class prostitute at the Citadel. Guys like us would have to spend a year's worth of credits to get a taste of that pussy."_

_Kaidan make a face, closing the site. He'd never cared for that kind of vulgarity and even hearing it made him feel like an asshole for trying to jerk off. "It doesn't seem like the Citadel would let a prostitute into the Financial District of the Presidium." Kaidan had never been there but it hardly seemed like the sort of place that would put a prostitute on a pedestal. _

"_Boy, you're naïve."_

That was years ago. And now, here he is.

The room is vast, easily the size of his childhood home in Vancouver. Large, stone plant holders brim over with colorful flowers, spiraling vines hang low, the green more vibrant than any grass he remembers on Earth—but still, natural, tasteful. A large, curved leather seat sits to the corner. From what he's heard, Sha'ira doesn't entertain parties at once—and for all the credits people are paying her, he doesn't see why she'd offer a group discount.

There's a large bed further in the room. He imagines climbing into it. The bed looks comfortable but it's shaped more like a large, plushy bowl than a bed. If nothing else, if he runs into Jones someday he can tell him he stepped foot in the Consort's chambers. Man, that'd be something to brag about! He wouldn't have any dirty details—but meeting Sha'ira—he can see why people pour their savings into getting even a glimpse of her.

"Get lost, Alenko."

The only thing Kaidan gets lost in these days are thoughts. He's always been something of a daydreamer, something of a romantic. Maybe it was all that time at BAaT. The splitting headaches, Rahna… It was easy to overthink, to think of pleasant things, to take the time to relax when he could. This time is no exception. After Eden Prime, the excitement of the first human Spectre, a little r&r is appreciated—even if he is currently in the midst of tying up loose ends with the Consort business. "Uh—sorry, Commander?"

Shepard grins. Kaidan can't decide the color of Shepard's eyes. Sometimes the blue is the color of an ocean. Other times it's the cobalt of the guns holstered at their hips. Right now it's in between. Shepard is the first human Spectre. Kaidan's honored to have seen the ceremony, proud to serve with him—but he finds the man unsettling at times. It's hard to get a hold on him. "Sha'ira and I have some… private business." Kaidan looks at Sha'ira. The woman is tactile, having touched Shepard within moments of meeting him. Even now when she looks at Kaidan, it's easy for him to believe that she has something for him alone—but he knows she doesn't.

"It was a pleasure meeting you, Lieutenant Alenko," she touches his arm, leaning close, her face grazing along his cheek. Her skin is soft. She smells of something… intoxicating. He hopes his shave this morning was close enough. Sometimes by 12:00 hours he has a five o'clock shadow. He'd hate for his stubble to scratch her. "I thank you, for your help."

"I—uh, yeah," Kaidan says. "Yeah." He hasn't put together why Shepard wants him to take off yet. Kaidan isn't the sort to sleep around. Never much saw the point in it. But she… makes him want to stay. Or maybe he hasn't taken a lover in far too long. No, no, no. There's something intriguing about her.

"Get going," Shepard inclines his head towards the door, still smiling. "Garrus is in the lounge. He could use the company. Maybe show you around."

"Aye aye, Commander." He nods to Sha'ira and steps out. He looks back. Shepard has already yanked Sha'ira to him, hand at the back of her neck. The doors shut with finality behind him. He stands there awkwardly, feeling an uncomfortable tightness to his pants. His face reddens and he's irritated that it has when no one else is around to notice. "Down, boy," he mutters.

_Think of batarians, husks, Vyrnnus, tofu._ He's scouring his brain when he sees Garrus at the bottom of the stairs. "Oh, there you are. For a minute there I thought Shepard let you stay."

Satisfied that he can walk comfortably now, Kaidan begins down the steep stairs that lead to the lounge room. "Shepard's not one for sharing." Not his things, anyway.

* * *

Every few months he gets nostalgic and does a search for her on the extranet.

When he left BAaT years ago, he'd initially gone home in Vancouver. He couldn't really talk about what happened—the Alliance made it very clear to him that breaching confidentiality would lead to repercussions. Kaidan didn't think threats were in order. Yeah, he was a biotic but he was still a kid who'd accidentally killed someone. The shame alone was enough to keep his mouth shut.

A lot of the kids left BAaT looking like he did. Scrawny, malnourished, powerful enough to scare people but all a little screwed in the head. His close circle of friends was gone, all returning to their own respective homes. For a few months, Kaidan became a shut-in in. Wouldn't talk to his parents, wouldn't talk to anyone. What could he say? He didn't want them scared of him, too. His hair got long, he grew a beard—he couldn't be bothered to keep up with the little things. He was depressed.

Before BAaT he'd had a wide circle of friends. After BAaT he didn't know how to talk to them anymore. Fact of the matter was that he wasn't the same guy. Some desperate nights he tried to get in touch with Rahna. She never returned his messages. Bored and lonely, he stumbled onto extranet porn. The asari in particular interested him. An alien species of all females. Wild!

His parents worried. They assumed that he was wasting his life away in his room, jerking off. Which he was. Sometimes Kaidan thinks he would have spent his life in the room if it wasn't for Rahna finally returning one of his messages.

_Kaidan,_

_Please don't contact me again. I know that we both said things at BAaT… but the truth is that I don't feel that way anymore. After Vyrnnus… I don't know. I thought I needed time. I know you were only trying to protect me. You were always sweet that way. He shouldn't have broken my arm. You know what we all said about him. We all said those things because he terrified us. But… seeing you the way I did that day… The look in your eyes… You lost control and you scared me. I will never be able to look at you again without thinking of that awful day. I know that's not fair but I can't help it. Every time you contact me I'm reminded of it. I wish you the best, Kaidan but all I want to do is forget. Please, just let me forget. And forget me._

_Rahna_

At first he'd been furious. Oh yeah, he'd cried. How dare she—act like he was a monster? Maybe he was just angry because she'd confirmed his greatest fears. BAaT _had_ been a nightmare—but they'd all become close because of it. They were cut away from the rest of the world—couldn't even contact their families. He and Rahna spent their days and nights together talking about life after BAaT, making plans for trips across the galaxy. She wasn't the first girl he'd kissed but she was the only one that made him think there _were_ no other girls. Rahna was it. He'd wanted to marry her. He was too smart to tell her. In some ways he knew that they were close because of the stress of BAaT, because it was them against the brutal teachers. But it was more than that. Outside of BAaT, they would have had a chance together, a real chance. She told him she felt the same.

He didn't sleep that night, after reading the response. He was too amped up. When the sun was over the horizon he'd gone into his parents bedroom, past his mother's sleeping form and into their bathroom. His dad had just finished shaving. He'd always kept a neat appearance. Kaidan looked into the mirror and was embarrassed. His hair was long, greasy, over his eyes, his beard a scraggly mess. He found the clippers and plugged them in.

"_What are you—?"_

_Kaidan didn't wait. He took them to his head and cut his hair away. It fell in tufts around him. It felt __good__. He smiled wryly, remembering that in the movies, it was always the princess shedding her locks to regain her freedom. His mom entered the bathroom, looking curiously at his dad and to him. _

"_Look, he's left the room," his dad said._

"_Are you sure that's him?" His mother reached past him to grab a toothbrush. "I thought our son was a vagabond."_

"_Ha, ha," Kaidan ran a hand through his shorn hair. A little too short. He wasn't a fan, but it was better than the rat's nest he'd had. He quickly began work on the beard, finishing it off with some lathering foam and his dad's shaving knife. His father had always had his little quirks, a fan of the old timey movies from centuries ago where men had nothing but a sharp blade to shave themselves. Kaidan did a decent job except for some nicks. He splashed water on his gaunt face. His eyes were dark._

"_Looking sharp, kiddo," his dad said. His mother didn't say anything but she did a poor job of hiding her smile. There were tears in her eyes! Ah, maybe he got a little of his emotional side from her. His dad wrapped an arm around her shoulders._

"_I'm going to go get a job today," Kaidan said._

_His dad punched his arm playfully. "About damn time."_

Kaidan shakes the thoughts, smiling at the memory. He can't remember a time he felt lower than that. It's all about perspective. He's about to give up his search for Rahna when he finds something. A marriage announcement.

There's a photograph of her in a beautiful white dress, her olive skin a wonderful contrast. She's grown more attractive over time but her smile is the same as he remembers, genuine, gentle. Her asshole husband stands with his hands around her waist, looking like the luckiest guy in the word, which he probably is. Guy's not even that good looking. What does she see in him? Kaidan knows he's being petty. He reads the announcement, when they met (seven years after Kaidan last saw her), where they met, the best man, the maid of honor. No mention of her time spent at BAaT, but that's not a surprise. What does her husband think of her being a biotic? Does he know? Did she continue studying? It doesn't matter.

He pulls up his email and types up her address in the recipient bar. Subject: Congratulations. He moves over to the body and stares at the blinking cursor. He could write a novel. But he doesn't. He shuts the window and runs a hand over his face. Yeah. Guess that isn't much of a surprise. It shouldn't sting now.

He exits Shepard's cabin—the Commander had let him use his computer earlier when all the terminals were taken. Shepard leans against the medical bay talking to a clearly flustered T'Soni. Kaidan doesn't know what Shepard is playing at. He's seen him flirt with both Williams and T'Soni. Shepard smirks over at him. "Get a handle of things?" He turns enough so that T'Soni won't see him curl his fist, make the jerk off motion at him.

Kaidan sighs inwardly. Shepard has a constant habit of making him feel like some FNG.

* * *

It's easy to get lazy on a ship. Lots of people confined in tight quarters, off-shore sometimes for months at a time. Becoming a lump isn't hard work. Kaidan prides himself on his appearance. A lot of that ethic comes from his father. He's heard a lot of the jarheads complain about fathers who literally beat a good work ethic into them. It may have worked but a lot of those guys are angry and jaded, they've got anger problems.

When he was younger his dad encouraged Kaidan to join him on workouts. Kaidan did, from the time he was five years old up until he was fourteen. After BAaT took him, the primary focus was the biotics. Hard to think that an Alliance program would put physical regime second but it did. Or maybe that was Vyrnnus' influence. In between battling the crippling migraines he got because of the L2 implant, he had to endure the exhaustion that came with creating mass effect fields. At the time, he constantly felt as if he were starving. Part of that was the result of Vyrnnus' 'training'. He got results but it wasn't the way that Kaidan would have gone about it. The other reason he and the other kids probably felt weak was because they _were_ all literally starving. The Alliance didn't know what the hell they were doing. Biotics require 4500 calories a day. On their best days they were getting 2000, if that.

After he left the program he still didn't have the appetite. His body had adapted to the starvation mode and hoarded calories. It was only after he got his shit together and did his own research that he realized he needed a much higher caloric intake than other humans.

Around that time, human biotics weren't so hush hush. He doesn't know how it happened, but somehow the other kids found out about him. It scared a lot of his friends off; it scared them so much that it scared his parents. They started talking about having him go away for a while, to 'get out and see the world'. He knew that was their delicate way of putting it. They were afraid for him. Kaidan didn't tell them that maybe they should be afraid for the mobs. Not that he'd fight back. After BAaT he swore he'd never use his biotics on another living thing again.

Anyway, there was one friend that stuck around. Tommy Gauthrie. Tommy had always been on the fringe in their circle of friends. A lot of the other kids didn't think he needed to be there. He was from the 'wrong side of the tracks' – whatever that meant in Vancouver. His family was lower class and there were rumors that his mother had mental problems, that his dad ran drugs. That didn't matter much to Kaidan—the way he figured, kids didn't have much control over what families they were born into. He didn't choose to get exposed to Eezo in utero.

Tommy came around, asking lots of questions. He wasn't afraid of Kaidan—and maybe that made Kaidan like him all the more. Kaidan was only then learning about the sort of diet he should be on. He'd put on some weight but still, he looked like a ghost compared to that guy Tommy knew years ago.

"_You're looking rough!" The first time Tommy came over, after Kaidan had returned from BAaT, he did so in a leather jacket, a guitar strapped to his back. It was a nice piece—one that Kaidan doubted he could afford. His ears were gauged, his head shaved at the sides, a big mop of floppy hair in the middle. Kaidan's mother was scandalized, his dad, on the other hand rolled his eyes whenever he saw Tommy, teased the kid about whatever outrageous thing he'd done to stick out. Kaidan thought he was weird—but he didn't mind too much. He was friendly and not afraid and at the time, that was worth any of Tommy's eccentricities._

"_You were gone for a while! Training? Shit, I wish I could have been there. A biotic. Man! You know what I would do with that kind of power? Wouldn't let any of those fuckers at the school push me around anymore, that's for sure."_

_It was rare that Tommy let it slip that the harassment of the kids ever bugged him. More often than not he laughed about it, those 'fucking faggots' and let it go at that. But there were always moments like these, rare instances that showed that it got under his skin "Yeah, I'd show them."_

"_It's not all it's cracked up to be," Kaidan said. _

_Some part of him was happy that Tommy wasn't afraid, that Tommy thought it made him some kind of badass. No one ever thought of him that way. He was always the boy-scout and if he was ridiculed for anything it was for that, for not taking chances, for not breaking the law every once in a while just because he __could__. He never could get it out of his head, really, that one girl at the party—what was her name, Marissa? Ah, she was a beauty. Long, thick brown hair, bright green eyes. There wasn't a guy at the school that wasn't in love with her. She pressed him to a dark corner, grabbed hold of his cock through his jeans. _What do you mean you don't want to?_ And when he'd tried to explain her features had twisted up, her face ugly for an instant. _You're kidding, right?

"_Fuck that, you probably don't know how to have any fun with it," Tommy slipped the guitar strap away from his shoulders, setting it to the side before falling back on the bed, gangly limbs stretched out. He wore skinny jeans and a baggy shirt that was loose but too short. Kaidan could see his hip bones when the shirt lifted and wondered if he looked that skinny. Tommy saw him looking but didn't pull the shirt down. "You've never known how to play it fast and loose." _

_Kaidan was embarrassed. The only friend he had in the whole goddamn world was ribbing him, as much as his detractors would. Maybe he was sensitive. He probably was. He always had been. "Hey relax. I'm only fucking with you." Tommy slapped his arm, rubbing it for a second before letting it fall away. He stood. "So man, come on. Let me see what you can do." He picked up a paperweight off the table, an orb with a representation of planets within, a thick, heavy metal base. His dad had brought it for him when he got back from a tour years ago. Tommy tossed it up in the air once, catching it before chucking it at Kaidan's head._

_The paperweight was heavy enough, but even plastic, flung at that speed would hurt, would cut. Kaidan recoiled, his biotics catching it before he knew it, reflexively hurling it into a wall. It buried deep. Tommy jumped, a fist in the air, whooping. "Holy shit! HOLY SHIT! That was fucking amazing!"_

_Kaidan got to his feet, went to the wall. The globe was smashed and the paperweight entrenched as far as his arm would go. His dad was going to __kill__ him. He hadn't saved anywhere near enough money to repair that. He turned to Tommy, infuriated, grabbing him by the shirt and slamming him to the wall. "You fucking asshole!" _

_Tommy only laughed. Maybe he was used to that kind of violence because he didn't look unnerved in the slightest. Kaidan wasn't used to that violence. He glared at him, nostrils flaring and Tommy raised his arms. "Hey, relax. Relax. I'm not going to try to take __you__. Can take lots of guys but I can't take _you_. We can get along." _

_His fingers brushed Kaidan's fist and Kaidan let him go. He was disgusted—not at Tommy, at himself. How close did he come to losing control again? Did he inherently have a rotten temper? Is that what it was? "Just get out of here."_

_Kaidan didn't talk to him for weeks after that. He kept going to work and started working out. He pushed himself at the gym, running the treadmill for an hour and a half before doing the circuits with the weights. He ate better, felt better, looked better, now, biotic or not, he could see women looking at him, men looking at him, their looks admiring in different way. He didn't let it go to his head, but he was happy to get back on his feet again._

_The next time he saw Tommy he apologized for losing his temper. Tommy shrugged it off in that way he always did. Tommy was good at acting as if he didn't need anyone or anything. Kaidan liked that. He'd grown up with a group who prided themselves on their independence but quickly became clingy the moment they were alone. "How's everything?" Kaidan asked._

"_Oh, you know. Home sucks." He shook his head irritably. He never talked about home besides off-handed remarks._

_They began spending time together again. Things were fine until Kaidan realized that Tommy had biotic powers. At first it was exciting. How did it happen? When did it happen? He'd heard of late bloomers, kids exposed in utero who didn't develop powers until they were exposed again in their teen years. Only he didn't know where Tommy would have been exposed. One day he lifted his guitar with no hands. Kaidan's eyes doubled. "You're not the only hot shot around here!" Tommy said._

_For a while things were great. Tommy took on this 'us versus the world' attitude. It made things seem less lonely for Kaidan. It took Kaidan a while to notice that things were different. The kind of things Tommy could do—without training, just overnight, seemingly. How? He would come over, face flushed red, laughing hard, full of energy. Seeing Tommy like that was jarring. That stupid grin on his face, his arm waving madly as he flung small objects around the room. "You see this shit, man? You see this!" He'd throw a soda bottle in his direction. "I'm a god, man! You and me, bro! You and me!" _

_Kaidan caught the bottle mid air, physically, and set it aside. He was never one to show off with biotics and Vyrnnus had the opposite affect on him than he wanted. He wasn't going to use his biotics unless he damn well had to. "This isn't a game, Tommy. Whatever it is you're doing, it needs to stop." _

_Tommy responded by using his newfound powers to whip an action figure (not 'dolls' like his dad used to say) at him. Kaidan took Tommy's arm, twisted it behind his back and pushed him face first to the wall. "Cut it out."_

_He later learned that Tommy was getting sand-blasted. Kaidan had never heard of red sand before then. Couldn't understand the idea behind it. It was foul. He could understand the fascination with biotics, even the appeal of euphoria, even if it came in the form of sand. But something that wasn't real, something that wasn't gained…? He wasn't like that. Being a biotic wasn't so easy. It was more than snorting sand. Hell, he still had migraines that made him blind with pain with the L2 implant they'd grafted into his brain. Maybe he'd just been pissed that Tommy got all the benefits without any of the pain, the horrible side affects._

_It turned out he was wrong about that. They had a lot of talks. Tommy tried to stop. He became pale and shaky, drenched in sweat. His teeth became gray and black. In the end, he wasn't even the same guy. He disappeared one day without a word. Kaidan asked around but no one knew. "That guy? I heard some batarian slavers took him when he left Earth," someone said. Kaidan's blood went cold._

Kaidan hadn't much understood Tommy at the time. Now that he thinks about it, maybe he just needed a place to fit in. Maybe Tommy wanted some semblance of power or a way to connect with him. Or maybe he just wanted to fight back from all those people that used to kick the shit out of him. Kaidan suspected Tommy's parents, Margot and Dan, hit him. Maybe he should have pressed Tommy more, he doesn't know. There were bruises on him that he never explained. _You make everything such a big fucking deal, dude._

Years later, through the Alliance, he got to meet other biotics. They all told similar stories, family, friends, lovers, all of them wanting a taste of biotic power, getting hooked on red sand. There weren't many stories that ended well. Kaidan wrinkles his nose thinking about it. Drugs. What a waste. He indulges in a drink every now and then and there are definitely those, Harkin for example, who abuse it and let it destroy their lives. But nothing so quickly as red sand and some of the other stuff that's available. Whatever happened to Tommy…?

He goes to a small locker in the shuttle bay, pulling a long jump rope out. The red handles are weathered, the plastic cracked and deformed, almost as if some impossibly strong somebody had taken them. He imagines Wrex using it to jump rope and laughs.

"What's so funny, Lieutenant?" Ashley's voice comes. Kaidan didn't think anyone else would be here. "Looks like I'm not the only one who couldn't get some shut-eye." She stretches her arms high over her head, massaging her neck gently. "Are you snooping through my locker?"

"Settle down, Williams, just looking to get some PT in."

"Don't see how much you'll get with a jump rope."

"We don't have much equipment on the Normandy. Getting tired of running laps around this small space. And I'm pretty sure I'm not allowed to bench press you," he smiles.

Ashley laughs, turning her face away momentarily. "I'd like to see you try, Lieutenant."

"See you try what?" Shepard asks. Ashley and Kaidan both turn to look at him. He wears sweatpants and a tank top. Shepard's a lean man but his arms are cut with muscle. He's a soldier in the strictest sense of the word. Kaidan doesn't know how much he'd have to work out to get as big as he is—he doubts that he could with his diet and the lack of equipment on the Normandy. Maybe if he didn't have to use his biotics as often as he does—he isn't sure. "What's going on here?" Shepard's face is stubbly. His smile is never absent from his face. Spacer kid, war hero, Casanova. He puts on a good show. In the end, Shepard's a good man. Kaidan sees the side he presents to others: diplomatic, gracious and accommodating. Most people don't see his other side, sarcastic, immature, douche-y. He gets the job done and he does it well. If he wants to be a dick on his off time, who's Kaidan to tell him otherwise?

"I'm fairly sure I was on the Normandy before you were," Kaidan says. He still misses Anderson. Shepard watches him. "Sir." He lifts the jump rope to show him. "There's no rule against some exercise, is there? I'm here for the same reason that you are."

"You are?" Shepard looks at Ashley. "Is that so, Williams?"

Ashley shakes her head and opens her locker. "Don't push it, Skipper," she grumbles.

Kaidan looks between the two of them and feels awkward. He's a grown man, damn it. Twenty-nine years old already. Why does Shepard get to act like a child and he's the one who ends up feeling as if he's interrupted an adult party? He hopes Williams isn't sleeping with him but has the unpleasant feeling that she is. "I'm just going to let the two of you…talk." He retreats to the corner of the shuttle bay, taking the rope with him.

He begins the rope exercises running in place, keeping his knees high, glancing every now and then to where Shepard and Ashley are. He stands close to her and Ashley's expression is disgruntled. Kaidan skips ropes for a few minutes before switching to double unders. He goes faster and faster, trying to get his heartbeat up. It's hard to do that when he's in combat as often as he is, when he fights as often as he does.

Kaidan looks at them again, sees Shepard leaning in close before he turns away, the rope slicing through the air, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. The speed of the rope cools his face but his chest and stomach burn.

He's heard other soldiers talk about Shepard. They talk about him as if he were a legend, a God. Kaidan doesn't believe in gods but Shepard's legend has some legitimacy.

He finishes the rope and can hear their voices, quiet and intimate. Ashley laughs softly. Kaidan has never heard her laugh like that before. Williams is like a fist to the face. Shocking, exciting, dangerous. He only hopes that whatever game they're playing, Williams is helping to create the rules. She can take care of herself.

Kaidan remembers a woman telling him once that chivalry is misogynistic. He doesn't agree. He believes in courtesy for men _and_ women. If someone wants to call him sexist for believing that then fine, he's sexist. He starts doing push ups. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. The familiar burning in his arms start. He's out to beat his record. He can do it.

Many men look up to Shepard as their fitspiration. They want to _be_ Shepard. Kaidan doesn't want to be Shepard. He'll be his own man.


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: Some Liara and Tali in this chapter! I wrote the first two chapters in about a day. Now I really need to get back to it. Also, damn this site for not letting me use an 'at' sign. Thanks to The Allusive Man for his encouragement on this! Maybe only a chapter or two to go?

* * *

"What do you make of Liara?" Shepard asks loudly. He always talks as if his voice is permanently raised. This is the first time, outside of battle, that Kaidan has seen a need for it.

They're at Chora's Den. The place is perpetually dark aside from the occasional splashes of red light. Shepard paid some of the strippers to dance for them. Kaidan refused at first. It's one thing to watch vids on the extranet and another to have a live asari in front of you. Their bodies are… a work of art: ample breasts—but not too big, shapely hips and thighs. They're marble come to life. Look soft. They're so…flexible. The ridiculous hot pink get-ups clashing against their skin—somehow, the dim lights of Chora's Den make it all right.

"Dr. T'Soni?"

"You know any other Liaras?" Shepard leans forward on the chair as the asari bends back, impossibly. What are their spines made of? It's very impressive. Who knew that after years upon years of watching the vids on the extranet he'd be getting a dance from an asari? It's not the sort of thing he does but Shepard is forcing him. He _could_ get up and walk away but part of him doesn't want to. It'd be rude. _Sure, that's the only reason, Alenko._ He supposes the appropriate thing to do is behave as gentlemanly as he can and tip generously.

The asari in front of Kaidan has left the pedestal she dances on and set her hands down on the armrests. Her forehead is framed by small, scale-like textures. It isn't a turn off. He wonders what they feel like. "Hi," she says chipperly, "where are you from?"

"Uh—" His ears flush to the tips. Admittedly, especially in his younger years, he'd fantasized about a day like this. An attractive asari, seducing him with her eyes and uh—other areas. Sometimes Shepard's stubbornness and depravity pays off. From the corner of his eye he sees Shepard shake his head at him. "Vancouver."

Her eyebrow arches, her voice suddenly skeptical. "Where's that?"

"I asked you a question," Shepard says.

Kaidan doesn't remember the question. Then it comes to him. Dr. T'soni. The asari nearly has her face nestled in Kaidan's neck. Her skin is hot. "Uh—is now really the right time, Commander?"

"It's time when I say it's time."

The asari turns around, holding herself up by the arm rests, nearly sitting in his lap. He looks at the small of her back, the barely there lingerie. _Batarians, husks, Vyrnnus, tofu_— "Seems— like a good sort. I believe her about Benezia."

"That's not what I'm asking."

Kaidan looks at him. "Then I'm afraid you're going to have to be more specific, Sir." He watches Shepard's large hands settle on the asari's hips in front of him. Kaidan never noticed how many scars criss-cross his fingers. He slides them down her legs. There's a no-touching rule at Chora's Den, a fact that a gruff turian menacingly reminded them of when they sat down for the dance. But whatever grim turian or grumpy krogan is in charge of enforcing rules (or maybe it's the asari herself) they aren't.

Kaidan's dancing asari takes his face in her hands. "Don't tell me you're bored."

Kaidan shakes his head vigorously. "No, no, no, no, no. No. Definitely not bored."

"Good," she coos in his ear. Her voice is friendly, innocent somehow, despite her work, reminding him of 'the-girl-next-door' or maybe 'girl-next-galaxy-over' as this case would have it. Would it be inappropriate to ask her out on a date? Yeah, probably. Doesn't know that he could stand to have a girl working at a place like this, with a guy like Shepard putting his hands all over her. "If I'm boring handsome humans, I'm in the wrong line of work."

Kaidan doesn't know whether to affirm or deny that she is in the right line of work. Should he thank her for the compliment? Luckily, Shepard (doesn't) think to interrupt. "I've seen you looking at her. Liara."

The asari is pressed to him now, the swell of her breasts against his chest, hands on his shoulders, massaging, reducing him to goo. She's nearly in his lap and Kaidan can't think of enough tofu to calm his excitement. He hopes that her hand won't stray too low. "Asari are beautiful women," Kaidan sees the asari before him smile at his response. "I'm not the only one that's been looking."

"You interested?"

"She's a sweet girl. And easy on the eyes; I'd be a fool to deny that."

"So you're interested."

"I don't really know her." Dr. T'Soni rarely leaves the med bay. When she does, she's skittish. Her eyes search constantly. Kaidan imagines her gaze fixing on what's captured her interest, much like a camera lens, drinking in every detail, looking at the larger picture when necessary. She's too quick to apologize, always pushing back against the walls, skirting contact. Kaidan doesn't think he's seen her talk to anyone besides Shepard. He recognizes another recluse. "Haven't had a chance to sit down and talk with her." He'd like to. He hasn't had the stones.

"What's that got to do with anything?"

Kaidan scowls. He doesn't like Shepard's easy attitude. "How can you be so cavalier about everything?"

The asari in front of him brings her lips to his ears. "You're sweet. Don't get many sweet guys in here. This dance is on the house."

Kaidan shakes his head. Shepard was in charge of paying for the dances. He's been a jackass. Kaidan would feel he was cheating the dancer if she gave him a free dance. "Ah, no. That's all right. You're uh—very talented. We'll pay."

"Speak for yourself." Shepard winks at the asari. "Don't mind him. He hasn't hit puberty yet." Kaidan glowers at him. "Don't you know it's rude to turn down a beautiful woman? Alenko will take you up on that offer."

"_No,"_ Kaidan says sternly, "I won't." The asari growls at him, her eyes teasing. The small, absurd action makes him stand at attention. Maybe he is a pervert. The asari trails a finger beneath his chin, lifting it up. His heart pounds a little faster, his voice is too low for her to possibly hear. "What's your name?"

"No one ever asks for my name."

"Is that against the rules?"

"No, no rules against that," she turns her back to him, leaning forward, hands on the pedestal she previously danced on. The view is uh—something. Kaidan clears his throat as she pushes back, bending low in front of him before straddling his leg. She looks back at him. "My name's Hessina." She wraps an arm around his shoulder, lips at his ear again. "No credits, all right? I'm almost done with my shift. Want to come back to my place? Don't worry, it's not a scary place in the Wards." Kaidan stares at her dumbly. Is this happening? Really happening? "And before you ask, no, this isn't a Chora's Den service and _no_, I've never asked anyone before. Most of the greasy assholes who come here only wish I would. What do you think? I'll put on something a little less ridiculous and you can help me out of it…" His mouth is dry. "I know you want to."

"Woman's intuition?" Kaidan asks. Her eyes drop to his lap, lips pulling into a gentle smirk. "Ah, wow. Well… Hessina… I'm, uh, flattered and—ah… interested." He clears his throat again. "But uh." He sees Shepard shaking his head at him, no doubt ready with some insult. "But I'm only visiting. And… well, I'd like to know you longer than a night."

"I thought you humans were supposed to be passionate and impulsive," she says disappointedly removing herself from him. "Are you _sure_?"

"No, not really."

She laughs. "Well… the dance is still on the house," she leans over and kisses his cheek. "Come back again sometime, all right? G'night, Alenko!"

Kaidan's body is enflamed, his muscles taut. What's the matter with him? Is it really such a big deal to spend a night with a consenting, beautiful woman? An asari, no less! He's really wanted to try out that whole… mind meld thing. Sounds fun. Hessina and her beautiful ass are walking away, distracting him with lecherous fantasies when Shepard's hand comes hard, violently slapping the back of his head.

"What's wrong with you?"

* * *

Kaidan tries not to blink. Each blink, each shard of light passing through his eyes makes his head flare with pain. The helmet doesn't block the light. The helmet is good quality, good at withstanding bullets. Not that it helps worth a damn when a migraine starts coming.

The muscles in his neck have been stiffening for the past two hours. He's tried to shake it off, hasn't managed to. He hoped, foolishly, he now knows, that it was only a routine headache. Maybe the effect of lugging gear around. Or maybe Shepard's shitty handling of the Mako. The man takes the wheel as if he were a handling a 4-wheeler, seeming to take a perverse satisfaction it making the thing roll and land on pockets of geth until they're nothing but mess on the fortified glass. Makes Kaidan think of bugs splatting on windshield when he took the car out in his earlier years back in Vancouver. He had never been an angry kid, not until after BAaT, anyway. He raced through the streets in the dead of night, streetlights zip, zip, zipping by until they were gone, a blur, hazy lights over his head, floating, dizzying. Like the migraines. He wants to puke.

Thunk! Another hard roll. Kaidan slams into the far left wall, grateful for the armor he has, thinking of the welt that's going to form on his arm regardless. "They really should make you get a license for this thing," he mutters. Liara, having tried desperately to hold on to the handle above her, loses her grip and crashes into him. Kaidan grumbles an apology, despite being the one who was on the receiving end. He can't tell if Shepard's doing it on purpose.

"You puking yet, Alenko?" Shepard may be helmeted but Kaidan knows the commander is grinning. With a violent turn of the wheel and a hard bounce the Mako is back on all fours again. Shepard looks back at them, eyes bright and cheerful.

Liara carefully pulls away from Kaidan, returning to her seat opposite of him. Her voice is typically soft, if not a little distracted but now it bristles with nerves. "He may not be, Commander, but I'm afraid I'm coming rather close."

"It builds character." Shepard slams his foot into the clutch, the Mako rumbling forward again with a _whirrrrrrrrrrrrrrr_. Kaidan watches out the window, taking in the broken structures. Makes him wonder about who used to live here. Liara says that the architecture on Feros is Prothean in design. He doesn't know anything about that—but given that she's more than three times his age and has been studying Protheans longer than he's existed, he's willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. Normally he'd take the opportunity to speak with her but he can barely hear his own thoughts. Each bump on the road is magnified, making his head pulse with pain. His fists clench inadvertently, his brain feels as if it is physically burning. Goddamn L2 implant.

_The room was bleached white, a lone medical bed centered in the room. To the left, a cart with what Kaidan had thought was a platter but was actually a tray for surgical tools. He was stuffed with IVs. The gown he wore was thin, like tissue paper. Turning his head felt like a chore, was impossible._

_The light was blinding so he closed his eyes. For the first few hours he didn't know where he was, who he was. He didn't know his proper name, didn't know he'd been taken away, sliced into without permission, stuffed with something he hadn't asked for._

_The past didn't matter. The future didn't matter. None of those things matter to a fourteen year old kid whose brain had just been split open like a melon. The pain was so intense, so blinding it reduced him to a cripple._

"_Hey, look here. We've got a live one." _

_Kaidan looked around for the voice that came over the intercom. Was it the intercom that made the voice distant? Was it the owner who did? Only his eyes were able to move. Nothing else responded. _

"_We are going to be rich!"_

"_You know what this means, don't you? Nothing will be the same again. Not for humans, not for __aliens__. After this we can't go back. We can only go forward."_

They're in too deep now for him to say he has to turn back. Usually he'd take his helmet off and try to get comfortable, but with Shepard's driving that could mean snapping his neck. It'd be a way to get rid of the migraines, he supposes. "Are we almost there?" he asks.

"You mean you're not having fun?" Shepard asks. "More lampheads on our twelve and two. Looks like they've got missiles." A beat. Kaidan hears the sound of the heavy turret atop of the Mako changing position, bullets locking into place. "Brace for incoming missiles."

"Ah—ah," Liara leans forward, grabbing onto the empty seat beside him. Kaidan hears the familiar panic of a subordinate who is in a disagreement with a commanding officer. "May I suggest we try to avoid that?"

"Yeah," Kaidan backs her up, "I think we've both built enough character for the day."

The hiss of the propulsion jets comes on and Kaidan is jangled forward, barely stopping himself from hitting the back of Shepard's seat. The Mako floats upward serenely. Kaidan is happy to have avoided the blows of the incoming missiles but can feel the deep vibrations shaking the Mako. He realizes, too late, that Shepard is readying to deploy the cannon. The sound is staggering, a sonic wave blasting his ear drums. Shepard's celebratory whoop is overshadowed as Kaidan unconsciously brings his hands to his ears, vexed to find the helmet in the way. The force of the cannon propels the Mako backward, doing a lazy flip in the air before landing upside down. Damned thing doesn't have any seatbelts in the back. Once again he and Liara are catapulted onto their backs.

"Sorry!" Shepard shouts. "Controls are a little…hinky."

_Maybe you should have RTFM_. Kaidan can't say the words. He has difficulty sitting up. Everything's spinning. He grasps at his helmet, fumbling before ripping it off. The light hits him like a rocket. He vomits.

"Goddess!" Liara crawls awkwardly to him, not seeming to mind the puke. "Are you all right?"

_Kaidan heaved on his back. A clustered group of teens whispered amongst themselves, eyes wide and worried. Kaidan's vision was hazy, the lights in the gymnasium, modeled to look like the ones in human schools, were much too bright, felt like spikes in his eyes. He could see Rahna on the verge of tears, trying to reach him but being held back by Mark and Danna. Kaidan tried to shake his head at Rahna but that required something he was depleted of._

_Vyrnnus loomed above him. Kaidan had never met a turian before him. His face was striped with red marking, making him look like a rogue mercenary, a merciless killer. His green beady eyes honed in on Kaidan. Was he a bird, a dinosaur? Whichever it was, there was no question that Vyrnnus was a predator. He settled a large, taloned foot on Kaidan's chest._

"_My, my, are all humans this __weak__?" Vyrnnus tskd disappointedly. "How am I supposed to make a man out of a boy whose testicles haven't even descended?" Kaidan scowled at him. A twitch of Vyrnnus' mouth and Kaidan's head collided with the metal floor beneath him. Is this what he was supposed to learn? To use biotics for what? Violence? What else could they be used for? Ah, no, he wasn't stupid. There was a vid from the Alliance, one corporal or another, sharing a room with a blank scientist in a white coat. Do your part, they said. You are more important than you realize. What a bunch of bull. Kaidan knew they were nothing but tools. "You want to live, boy? You've got to fight for it. Now get up!"_

_His head felt as if it were being ripped open. He didn't know that he could get up, no less fight a turian off. "I can't, Sir," he croaked out. "Not that I wouldn't love to lay you on your ass just once."_

_Vyrnnus chuckled. Then violently kicked him twice on his side. It was enough to make Kaidan roll over. The pain was a nice distraction from whatever it was that was bulldozing into his head. He'd never had headaches like this before and didn't know why they'd started. He'd heard the other kids complain similarly. He gasped raspily. "If any of you think of helping this maggot to his feet you'll get much worse. Now get out of here. You all make me sick."_

_They all filed away reluctantly. Kaidan didn't blame them. Vyrnnus stooped beside him, looking like a vulture. He took a handful of his hair, lifting him to a sitting. "How does it feel to be this pathetic?"_

The geth on the road have been wiped out and Shepard's puzzled. He's left the driver's seat (the Mako still on its back) to see to Kaidan. "Didn't think you were the type to get motion sick."

Liara looks to him. "If you don't mind my saying so, Commander, I'm not quite sure that anyone's used to this kind of motion."

Shepard pulls off his helmet and smirks. Kaidan wipes at the back of his mouth, the acidic taste fills his mouth, burns the back of his throat. Liara is beside him, her hand at his back. He sees her hand move rhythmically as if to massage it and pities that he can't feel the motion through his hard suit. Shepard notices the action but doesn't comment. "What's going on?" he asks.

"It's nothing," Kaidan grunts.

Shepard shakes his head. "Bullshit. You're acting like some kid hopped up on sugar at an amusement park. What gives?"

"Wasn't planning on experiencing the thrills and turns of a rollercoaster today, Commander. Was hoping we could keep it simple by killing some geth and saving a colony." Kaidan spits to the side, apologizes to Liara. Shepard's eyes narrow on him. "Migraine, Sir."

"Your shitty L2 chip," Shepard muses. "Chakwas told me about it." The revelation surprises him. He hadn't thought that Chakwas was one to talk. Then again, when a commanding officer asks you a question, you'd damn well better answer it. Especially if that commander is Shepard who isn't one to take 'no' for an answer. He's surprised Shepard asked at all. "Do we need to turn back?"

"No, Sir."

Shepard clamps a hand on his shoulder. "Be straight with me. It'll be a pain in the ass going back and who knows what new geth reinforcements might have shown up by the time we return with Ash. But we've got a lot of fighting ahead of us and I don't want to hold your hand."

"I didn't ask," he growls.

"Can you go on?"

Kaidan grits his jaw. The migraines are a part of his life that he has to deal with, much like other L2s and other non L2s. The Alliance doesn't give him a day off for them and he'll be damned if he walks out on this. "I don't walk out on something I've started. I'll be fine," he says curtly, "if you can manage to not flip this thing over every five seconds." Shepard scrutinizes him. Kaidan waits anxiously for Shepard to act like his mother and coddle him. He's uncomfortable under his gaze.

"This isn't like the thing with the strippers," Shepard says.

"What?" Liara asks, startled.

Shepard continues. "Don't argue with me just for the sake of arguing with me."

"I'm not," Kaidan says. His body is bristling with biotic overflow, a result of the L2 implant coupled with the headaches. He feels it buzzing in his nervous system, sizzling on his fingertips. Fact of the matter is that he doesn't like to be around others when that happens. It's best to get it out and he can think of no other thing to better direct that energy to than at Saren and his army. "I can do this."

"Good." Shepard slaps his face twice, mirroring the grimace on Kaidan's face. Kaidan quickly puts the helmet back on before Shepard can reassure him into unconsciousness. "I'll make sure to take it nice and easy from now on."

Liara sighs with relief. "Thank the Goddess for that."

_His body shook, chest burning painfully. At that point Kaidan wasn't sure if it was the rage coursing through him or the effort to get Vyrnnus off him. Vyrnnus always kept a gun at his side, despite his biotic talents. He wanted to scare the kids into action, toughen them up. Some of them died. Kaidan promised himself he wouldn't be the same. He wasn't going to die on some space rock without seeing the people he cared about again, without ever saying goodbye to his mother and father._

_Sweat rolled down his face. His head throbbed violently, his vision was sheared but he still took hold of Vyrnnus' foot, grabbing solid hold of it and twisting. Vyrnnus was light on his feet, like many turians. As soon as Kaidan pushed one foot away, Vyrnnus' other foot collided with his face._

_The blow would have typically knocked him unconsciousness but he had to push through it. He had a sick feeling that this was how it would be. He could lie down and take it or he could stand up and fight. He'd had to lie down and take it before, wasn't given much of a choice on the matter. Implanted with the damned L2 chip. Not again. Not anymore._

_He wobbled to his feet and Vyrnnus scowled, mandibles flexing. It wouldn't have taken much of anything to knock Kaidan on his ass again but Vyrnnus took a slow, deep breath. "Maybe you're not completely useless after all."_

* * *

Flux is loud. The heavy bass pulses across the club, humans and aliens scattered within the space. Some are more outgoing than others, laughing loudly, lunging at friends (the asari and humans, primarily), arms wrapped around their shoulders, while others (a nervous salarian along with a few turians) sulk nervously in corners, drinks in hand.

"Wow, look at that turian!" Tali points to the dance floor. A particularly tall turian in a fine suit is dancing enthusiastically, turning in circles, talons curled in a fist that pumps at the air. Kaidan smiles. Some of the other dancers have cleared some space around him, either awed by his dance moves or afraid they're going to get whacked in the face if he continues to flail his arms. "Did you teach him how to dance, Kaidan?"

Kaidan chuckles. "I'm afraid dancing isn't my forte." He once joined the dance floor with Shepard and Ashley. It's tight quarters. Many of the other dancers smacked into him. He's fairly sure somebody grabbed his ass. Mostly he watched Shepard and Ashley dance around each other, get closer together but not so indecently close that it could be questioned by anyone monitoring protocol. Shepard's eyes caught his a few times but Kaidan wasn't able to read anything in them. Nothing he could afford to dwell on, anyway.

He looks at Tali. Quarians. Rare. Even in the Citadel… he's only seen her. Is she typical? Is she exceptional? She has a bearing about her that is… striking. She's young. Twenty-two or so, if he recalls correctly. Any new personnel that join the Normandy have their Alliance records forwarded to Shepard, him and a few others. Aliens don't have any suitable substitutes so it's Kaidan's responsibility to try to nail down as many important details as he can. He hasn't gotten to everyone yet. Wrex keeps blowing it off and Garrus keeps dodging him. Tali was somewhat reserved but polite, respectful. What does she look like under the helmet…? Like Liara? Or a hanar? Williams told him that some people think they look just like the geth underneath but Kaidan can make out what he thinks are eyes, what could be a nose. Look at those hips. Tali looks up at him and he feels like a lecher. "Do you—uh, dance?"

"Ah, well, I haven't, in some time," she says, fingers twining. Kaidan wonders if she's anxious, nervous, bored. "But as I was telling Shepard, dancers are highly regarded amongst my people. Dance is a way of communicating and expressing oneself, two things that are quite valued by quarians for reasons that are probably fairly obvious. It seems different with the asari but I don't think that gets in the way of their popularity." There's a smile in her voice. "This is the first time I've even heard music outside of the flotilla. I like it."

The colorful lights of Flux flicker along her visor. It occurs to Kaidan that it doesn't much matter to him _what_ she looks like under the helmet. She seems like a nice girl. He wonders if she has a crush on Shepard like much of the crew. Does it matter? "Well, uh—do you want to—"

He's slammed into, pitching forward, an arm curling tightly around his neck like a vice. "Lieutenant!" Ashley drags him down, pressing him to the swell of her breasts. Does she realize? She pulls away near immediately. "Skipper told me the two of you were out meandering. He's not being a bad influence, is he, Kid?" She asks Tali, whose stance shifts, arms crossing delicately. "Can you even be a bad influence? I'd like to see you try." He smells the alcohol on her breath but she appears to be fully in control of herself, a broad smile on her lips. "You need a drink in your hand. It's a full bar! Stay away from the turian stuff though, burn a hole right through your stomach."

"Lesson learned, Williams?"

"Hell no." She smiles and takes his arm. "Do you have a girlfriend?"

"I uh," he blinks, "what?" He likes Williams. Has since the moment he met her on Eden Prime. She's tough. What happened with Jenkins shook him hard. Never expected things to go wrong so quickly. It was only supposed to be a routine mission. Shepard even gave him the spiel before they dropped planet side. Jenkins followed orders, took the necessary precautions but he was cut down, just like that. He can't imagine being in William's shoes. Losing her entire squad to those… things. She doesn't talk much about it but it bothers her. They've become friends, sharing a drink now and again over a card game. They've discussed literature; she's a poet at heart. Kaidan tells himself not to read anything into her words. The only one she has a soft spot for is Shepard. Kaidan can't tell if Shepard feels the same way about her, sometimes he seems serious, other times it only seems as if he's finding a way to pass the time. She has good qualities in spades. A bit of a looker, too, if he says so himself. But he's never picked up on any interest from her end. Did he miss something?

"Let's just say I have three younger, pesky sisters who've seen you in the background when I'm making vidcalls. They're curious. And maybe I am, too LT."

"So this is just you doing reconnaissance." Her arm remains locked around his shoulder, draping along his collarbone. "I've got the attention of the Williams sisters. Huh. I'm flattered." Her lips pull at the corners. "To answer your question, no, I don't."

"Good looking guy like you?" Her arm slips away. "Anyone you have your eye on?"

"I'm still thinking on that."

"Don't think too long," she says. Not a moment later they both spot Shepard. Outside of his hard suit he looks like any other man. Attractive, sure, and with a confidence that many can't touch but still human. Not a Spectre, not a legend, just a man. Ashley taps Kaidan's arm twice and rushes over, stopping just short of embracing him. Shepard stoops to talk into her ear. Her fingers curl around the fabric of the shirt he wears.

Tali's at his side again, swaying gently to the music, looking around, taking in the sights. "Many of the other species' here are drinking. Aren't you going to have one? You'll need a few to catch up with Ashley…and maybe it will help you relax."

"Relax?"

"What most people don't know about quarians is that we have a…talent for reading body language. We have to when we can't see one another's faces."

He tenses. Truth be told, Kaidan would love a drink. He's been on edge for the last few months. There are the obvious triggers but this is something else. Doesn't matter. He's never felt comfortable using substances to take the edge off. That's playing in dangerous territory. "It wouldn't feel right if I had one and you didn't. No quarian drinks here, right?"

"Right. I can't say that I've been outside the Rayya for very long, because I haven't. But so far, I can tell that quarians aren't wanted. Providing edible food or drinks would encourage other quarians to come. My people always told me it was this way. I was hoping to be surprised," she says somewhat glumly. "But," she continues more cheerfully, "who knows? If this mission with Shepard succeeds, than maybe quarians will gain a better reputation. At least, I hope so."

"Me too."

"They have turian drinks, if you want to buy me one. Then, you won't have excuses." She lifts her omni-tool. "I believe the price listed was twenty credits. I can transfer that to you—"

"Ah, no. That's not necessary." He smiles, runs a hand through his hair. "How about a drink for a dance. Sound like a fair trade?"

Tali shifts her weight from one leg to another, a hand to her hip, contemplative. A moment later she touches a long digit to her visor, seeming to scratch before lifting her face to look at him. "When you put it that way, how can I refuse?" only inches separate them. She touches the dress jacket he wears, fingers grazing the lapel before buttoning it gently. "You seem like a man that does not want anything to be out of place."

He stays perfectly still, afraid that any movement could shatter the moment.

* * *

Kaidan turned to the left in the mirror and then to the right. He could hear his mother's voice in his ears, telling him not to slouch and he straightened. Alliance blue was unfamiliar on him, despite having to wear it for years at BAaT. He never thought he'd return. Not willingly. He adjusted the wrists of his jacket, paid special attention to the angle of his hat. Smiled proudly.

A flash of light behind him and he turned to see his father and mother in the doorway. Twenty-two years old, fresh out of college and ready to join the Alliance.

_"You were at BAaT," the recruitment officer said. He was a grim man with cropped, peppered hair and hard severe lines drawn around his mouth. His gaze was steely even if his voice was disinterested._

_Kaidan squirmed in his chair. No matter how he tried to leave it behind, it always caught up with him. "That's right, Sir."_

_"Don't try to flatter me, boy."_

_"Just being friendly."_

_The officer drew his chair closer to the desk, the chair screeched in protest. Kaidan glanced around the office, looking at the recruitment posters of beefy men and women who looked more like movie stars than any soldier he'd ever seen. The agent flipped the papers in the file methodically, each turn sounding sharper than the last. "There's a program we'd like to put you in."  
_

"_I've heard about it. I had enough at BAaT, Sir. No more training. I can't… do it anymore." His fists curled on his knees. "Let me be a soldier, like any other man. Just let me be a soldier on my own terms." Being a biotic marked him. It made all the military officers sit straight up. He saw the lust in their eyes—not for him, for his power, what he could do. The others had gazes that withdrew, that became cloudy, as if trying to mask themselves and their thoughts. He wasn't a damned mind reader. _

"_You'll have to use your biotics on the field. That's one of the conditions of your enlistment." From his desk he withdrew another file with his name marked on the corner, marked in bold red letters: CONFIDENTIAL. He pulled a bundle of paper out, several pages long. "Sign and we'll be finished here."_

_Kaidan never liked to sign anything without reading it. He read the document, twelve pages in all with micro-script, detailing the various conditions for his enlistment. Most of it details BAaT as well as the legal and financial ramifications of speaking about his time there with anybody. Kaidan wanted to see space. He signed the papers angrily, feeling as if he had just been blackmailed. The officer tucked the contract away in another file before standing and extending his hand. Some of the ice thaws from the officer's face. "Welcome to the Alliance, Private Alenko."_

* * *

To: Kaidan Alenko [kalenko at alliancedotmil ]

From: Conrad Verner [conrad4humanity at cwardsdotnet ]

_Hey Kaidan,_

_I'm not sure if you remember me. My name is Conrad—I've met you a few times when you're with Commander Shepard. Listen… I've been thinking—I shouldn't have brushed Shepard off like that last time. Now that I think about it, calling him 'mean' was probably not the best way to go about it. I'm really embarrassed and worried that Shepard might think I meant what I said! I did mean it—about becoming a Spectre, anyway but… I may not have made the best impression._

_Having a gun to my face was strangely exhilarating. Can you make sure to pass that on to Shepard for me? I have a feeling that he might reconsider. I'd really appreciate it. Also, feel free to pass my email address on to him. Or… you could pass his on to me? That'd be great._

_Tell Shepard to take care of himself and I'll take care of things here on the Citadel!_

_Warm regards,_

_Conrad_

Kaidan sighs inwardly, wondering who gave his email address away. Now he'll never be rid of him. The guy's nice enough but a bit of a twerp and the mentality of a twelve year old boy. Kaidan's still considering what he ought to respond to him, if anything, when Shepard steps out of the shower, dripping wet and bare save for the towel wrapped around his waist. "Anything good?" Shepard asks.

"Email from your boyfriend," Kaidan looks at the blinking cursor on the email window. A cold drop of water hits his neck and he looks up to see Shepard hovering over him, staring intensely into the monitor. "Pointing that gun at him was a little harsh, wasn't it?" Shepard was always respectful in their encounters before then, no doubt cementing Conrad's hero worship.

"I had enough of playing nice with that guy. I hoped a gun to his face would scare him away." He pulls the towel away, wiping himself down. Kaidan turns away quickly and focuses all of his attention on the computer screen. "Looks like you're stuck with him now."

"What should I say to him?" Kaidan hears the sound of clothing being moved and slipped on. When he dares to glance back, Shepard is wearing loose gray sweat pants and a tanktop. Kaidan releases a breath and unconsciously relaxes. "I'm not looking for a penpal."

"Don't bother. You'll just encourage him."

"Yeah, maybe you're right."

"You hardly get any time on the computer and you're going to waste it on him? Aren't there any attractive women you could be writing?" Kaidan turns. Shepard sits on the bed, running a hand over his cropped hair. Kaidan remembers when this was Anderson's cabin. He's lucky that Shepard lets him take over the computer from time to time, though he's convinced half the reason for it is so he can ridicule him later. "How long since you got laid?"

Kaidan narrows his eyes, thinking. "I don't know. It's hard, you know. Being in space. We're not still for very long. Not for …anything to build."

"Maybe you're not looking in the right places." He stands, stretches. The muscles along his arm long, lean, defined. Kaidan hears several of his bones pop but Shepard sighs, relaxes. "If you're finished there's a few emails I need to respond to."

"Oh, yeah, sure." Kaidan brings the pointer to the corner of the email message but doesn't close it. He types swiftly.

_Conrad,_

_I'll make sure to pass your message on to the Commander. Keep up the good work on the Citadel._

_Kaidan_

Shepard reads the message before Kaidan has an opportunity to close it. Shepard shakes his head. "He's _your_ boyfriend now."

Kaidan rises from the chair. "I'll have to respectfully disagree, Sir." He smiles. "He's not my type."

"Male?"

Kaidan doesn't want to get into a discussion about this with Shepard. Shepard's not the kind of man to make judgments based on sexuality. Not to his knowledge, anyway. But he is the kind to pry for details and Kaidan isn't one for giving them. Not about this sort of thing. He doesn't like to kiss and tell. "If that will be all, Sir?"

Shepard could push his luck, could press for details, could use his position as leverage. It hasn't stopped him before. Something does this time. Shepard moves past Kaidan and takes a seat on the chair, sliding into the desk, appearing to have forgotten the discussion already. "Dismissed, Lieutenant."


End file.
